Like a wave of the sea
by megrez
Summary: Isabella valued simplicity, moderation and tranquility above all things.She had life, the universe and everything figured out. A story about not being afraid of being afraid."For he that wavereth is like a wave of the sea driven with the wind and tossed"
1. Seeds

**I make no money with this story, nor am I planning to.**

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><p>Seeds<p>

Isabella valued simplicity, moderation and tranquility above all things. She had life, the universe and everything figured out. She knew everything's and everyone's place in her life, and she wouldn't have had it any other way. She was always polite, well-mannered and finely groomed, but never overly cheerful or over-dressed. She always obeyed her elders, respected her father's wishes and was generally thought of as an exemplary member of the community. And for this reason her eighteenth birthday was a big deal. Everybody was invited, that is, everybody who led the sort of lifestyle that was deemed appropriate by the very conservative Forks community. And so it was that on September thirteenth Forks' finest were gathered at the local church's garden, sitting meticulously arranged and waiting for Charlie Swan to say a toast in the honor of his perfect daughter. It was a rare day of sunshine in Forks. It seemed even the Lord was showing his appreciation for Isabella Swan, who was feeling perfectly content and happy (but not too happy, as that could easily have been interpreted by some as the start of vanity forming in her young soul). She was sure this day could bring her no surprises, that it would be a shining example of all the things she appreciated in life.

She could not have been more wrong.

It had been there from the start of summer, this heavy, unpleasant feeling in the pit of her stomach. It had made her almost jumpy and any time it creeped up on her she became distracted. In the beginning it happened infrequently enough to be mostly ignored, but by then it was almost constantly bothering her and could be almost incapacitating at times. She had hoped her birthday would be an exception, and it had been until that point. She was having a lovely chat with Mike Newton about their family camping business when it started. Almost instantly Mike's voice became muted, unintelligible. She felt her hands begin shaking, her heart beating at an elevated pace and she knew she had to extract herself from the situation before her state became apparent to everyone around her.  
>"... then there are the trail shoes, but you wouldn't get very far in them in this climate, perhaps on a dry day like this, though you know how long it would take for the..." Isabella gently, but firmly touched Mike's shoulder as she started to stand.<p>

"I'm sorry Mike, but we'll have to finish this later." She didn't wait for his answer before walking away at a fast pace. Once she was sitting safely concealed from the public behind the church she let go._ Panic attack._ She'd read that in one of her father's medical books when she was trying to figure out what was going on with her. Of course panic attacks usually had some underlying reason, they were just a symptom. But then that would have meant there was something wrong with her, and while sitting on her and Angela's favorite bench sweating and shaking from fear was certainly not normal, she didn't see anything that could've been the culprit of these strange feelings. She had a loving father and an unbreakable bond with God. She might not have had many friends but Angela would have been enough on her own. So what was going on? What set these attacks off? _Dad._ But why would her father make her feel bad? None of it made sense. He was a loving, God fearing man who guided her through life. Sure, he could be very firm and unyielding at times, but it was all for her own good and she understood that. Anyway, his father had always been like that, hadn't he? Nothing's changed. She never managed to get closer to understanding herself with this sort of contemplation, but at least it helped calm her down. She'd just managed to get her breathing under control when Angela appeared walked around the corner, waving at her.

"Thought you might be hiding here" Angela said, then sat beside her. "What's up?"

"Nothing much. Is anyone looking for me?" she asked, hoping it wasn't the case.

"No. Well, Mike asked if you were all right. That's why I came looking for you."

Isabella forced a smile, but didn't lift her gaze from the ground. She sat uncharacteristically slumped, which made her friend worried.

"Sure you're okay?" she asked, bumping her shoulder lightly against hers. Isabella just nodded.

They sat silently for a few minutes, then Angela spoke up:

"Hey, you know that new family that was supposed to arrive like a week ago?"

"Yeah."

"Well, they just did." That got Isabella's attention. This family was the biggest news in Forks in years. It wasn't often they got new people. "They drove by in these obnoxiously loud cars. I'm surprised you didn't hear them."

"Hmm... I thought people in New York didn't have cars." Angela shrugged and Isabella decided it was time she made a reappearance at her own party.

When she spotted the refreshment table she realized how parched she really was so she approached it and took a bottle of water out of the cooler. While she was drinking she caught the end of something Mrs. Stanley was saying that made her curious, so she edged closer to the group of women standing a few feet from her.

"... shouldn't have even let them in, if you ask me!""Yes, well, I still think we should give them the benefit of the doubt, Linda."

"But you know how those big city people are! And New York!" Linda Stanley seemed livid, her voice turning louder with each word.

"Control yourself, please." Patricia Yorkie chided Mrs. Stanley, almost like one would a child.

"Oh, Isabella dear, did you want something?" Mrs. Crowley asked when she spotted her standing almost next to Andrea Newton.

"Oh, no. I just heard you talking about that new family and I became curious." Isabella was embarrassed and a little scared that she came off as nosy, but before she could say anything else Mrs. Stanley, eager to have someone interested in gossip, started dramatically whispering to her.

"We were just trying to guess what sort of people they could be. And if you ask me, not very virtuous! I mean just look at how they promised to be here for the start of school! They have two children, you know, and..."

"That will be enough, Linda" said Sharon Crowley. "I do not think it wise to pollute young Isabella's mind with that sort of gossip. They could be a perfectly nice family for all we know. And all we do know is that their cars are somewhat... unusual in this community. Isabella, why don't you go and talk to your father, I hear he has quite the surprise for you." She was smiling sweetly, but the dismissal was clear in her tone.

Her father was standing near the church doors, conversing with pastor Weber quietly when Isabella approached them. When they saw her they stopped talking, but greeted her warmly.

"Isabella! I almost thought you had forgotten about your dear old father in the midst of all this attention" his tone was light, but it carried a warning:_ do not give into pride._

"I could never!" joked Isabella, all the while saying: _I heed your warning._

"But, I am glad you're here. There's something I want to discuss with you." Pastor Weber shook her father's hand, said a polite goodbye to Isabella then left.

"I was thinking about colleges." That wasn't very surprising. It seemed colleges were all Chief Swan had been thinking about lately. "You have plenty enough extracurricular activates, but you are lacking in the altruism department."

"Oh."

"Yes. That is why I've decided that you will volunteer at the Children's Center in Port Angles." He must have noticed the slightly overwhelmed expression on his daughter's face, as he instantly clarified: "It's all arranged. You start next week, Wednesday's and Friday's, from five to eight."

He was smiling at Isabella, like he had given her the best gift anyone could ever ask for. Frankly, she just felt powerless. Then something occurred to her and she frowned.

"How will i get there? The bus only comes twice in a day." Not that she was allowed to take a bus alone, but what other option was there? Apparently, her father had thought of everything, because he just kept on smiling.

"Well, with your birthday present of course" he said while he handed Isabella a car key. She was speechless.

"So... that was why you let me get a license?" She had never thought she'd be allowed to utilize it until leaving for college. "This is so cool!" she said with enthusiasm, jumping up and down. Her father cleared his throat after a few seconds and she composed herself.

"Thank you so much, this is a great gift (_more like AWESOME_) and I will use it wisely."

"Yes, you will. For now you have my permission to drive anywhere where you were previously allowed to go without needing to ask. Any additional trips need to be discussed beforehand, the same way it was until now. Understood?" Isabella nodded, too happy to speak. But when her father's gaze wouldn't leave her face, she realized that wouldn't be enough.

"Yes sir."

It was dark by the time the party was coming to a close and Isabella was sitting with Angela on their bench again. They hated the ending of parties. All that small talk before it was finally polite to say goodbye was very exhausting, no to mention boring.

"So what kind of car is it?"

"Dunno yet. But who cares? It's a car..." Isabella's voice trailed of with a happy sigh, while Angela giggled at her dramatics. They drifted into a comfortable silence then, the kind that only comes with great friendship.

"So, how's Ben doing at uni?" Isabella spoke up. Ben Cheney and Angela were engaged, set to be married the following summer. They'd been together forever.

"Okay I think. It's weird that he's not around all the time." They shares a small laugh at that. Ben and Angela were notoriously inseperable. "It will be fun to visit him though. See the college life."

"Maybe you'll even sleep in the same bed" Isabella teased lightly.

"Co-ed dorms: the wonders of a secular college" Angela said, grinning. "It would be nice though. All this true love waits stuff is hard."

"Ang! When did you turn into such a Jezebel?" Truth be told, it was pretty shocking to hear Angela speak in such a way. Although, you know what they say about preacher's kids...

"I don't even know. Maybe somewhere between turning seventeen, Jess giving me that issue of Cosmo in April and Ben moving away just to make me miss him more."

Isabella thought this over for a while. Of course, she didn't have a boyfriend, but nevertheless, she couldn't imagine herself having those cravings. The more she thought about it the more nervous she got.

"You're not actually gonna do it though, right?" _Please say no._

"No way! You know me, good christian and all." Angela was a bit incongruent in this respect. She was very religious and took her faith seriously, but she wasn't shy, not even about topics like sex. Isabella however was extremely shy. She wasn't allowed to date so she had no first hand experience about _anything_ and had been living vicariously through others.

"Doesn't he want to? Like didn't Cosmo say guys are always 'in the mood' or something?" she asked, gnawing on her lip nervously.

"I wouldn't believe everything that magazine says, Bella. And anyway, you know Ben. He's like us."

"Aren't you worried college will change him? Sometimes people change. Like Emmett."

"I guess. But he is not without blame. Rosalie is not some sort of witch or whatever other loony things people say."

"I know that!"

"I know you do. But others don't seem to realise how powerful love can be sometimes. That's why it's dangerous. It can sort of take the control away from you."

"Yeah. I wouldn't know much about that."

"How could you? It's not something you can learn from reading about it."

"A shame, really" Isabella lamented. She was an avid reader and didn't like things she could not understand intellectually.

About an hour later Isabella was sitting in her new truck, completely exhausted and confused. How could Angela be so put-together and wise when she was having panic attacks or something for no good reason? Why was Angela not terrified of the idea of sex when it was a real possibility for her, while it was nothing more than a thought experiment for her? Why was she suddenly unsure about everything when only a few short months ago she had been perfectly certain about all things in life? Had she somehow angered the Lord and was now being punished? Or was He testing her, and all she had to do was show unwavering devotion in the face of these hurdle? Or perhaps these feeling were all a part of growing up? But then, why wasn't Angela experiencing the same doubts as she was?

Isabella sat in that car for another hour. It didn't help. She fell asleep more confused than ever.

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><p>Feedback is never expected and always appreciated.<p>

The place where Isabella and Angela talk:

****http: / / tinyurl . com/ 3zjnm2m****


	2. Black sheep

**I make no money with this story, nor am I planning to.**

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><p><span>Black sheep<span>

Isabella was late for school. She was _never _late for school. Maybe that had to do with the fact that up until that day she had to ride with either her father or Angela, so it was never really up to her. It was hard to enjoy her first independent ride when all she could do was worry. _I hope they don't call Dad. He'd probably take the car away first thing. _She also feared that this being her first real taste of independence meant it was a significant moment. This was the first time she had to be self-reliant, and that her running late meant that she was terrible at it.

When she was finally able to find a free parking spot she got out of the truck as fast as she could and ran all the way to her first class. Before opening the door she took a steadying breath, then just went for it. Everyone looked up in shock. The perfect Isabella Swan had a flaw after all.

She didn't get in any trouble in the end. The teacher was just concerned. 'Is everything all right, Isabella?' What a stupid question. Couldn't they see that nothing was all right? Isabella continued to be in a sour mood all morning, but then at lunch she got sufficiently distracted to forget her troubles. She was just about to enter the cafeteria when two Juniors came bursting out, giggling about something. She was able to catch a few words of their conversation before they were out of hearing-range.

"...guy here by far."

"God, I could just like, lick that scruff off his face!"

"I know right? And his sister..."

Isabella was admittedly a little shaken by their topic of conversation, but decided she was too hungry to be frozen in shock. The minute she was inside she realized who they were talking about. New York Dude and his sister, Ms. Fancy. They were ridiculously easy to spot, not only because they hadn't had any newcomers in years, but also because they just... stood out. They were sitting in the far left corner, looking sort of intimidated and horrified, while everyone else was gawking at them without restraint. Both of them were dressed way too urban for a place like Forks, but the girl's clothes were the more shocking of the pair. She worse these shorts that looked kind of like they were intended for men with black stockings, blue and glittery high heels and a gray sweater that was made out of very thin material, which was why it didn't obscure her figure, because goodness knows, it was way too big for her. She looked more like a movie star than a regular high school student. Isabella wasn't surprised that the first question out of Jessica's mouth when she sat down at her regular table was: "Sooo?"

Like mother like daughter, Jess loved to gossip.

"I don't know Jess. They look like city kids."

Jessica rolled her eyes dramatically, but didn't give up.

"The guy's totally hot, right?" Isabella glanced at the pair of newcomers again and tried to judge from a distance whether or not she found him attractive. He had weird hair, like super messy and though she couldn't see it from where she was sitting, he was also apparently unshaven. His clothes looked kind of dirty too. Or at least ratty. His face seemed symmetrical enough, and he wasn't morbidly obese. She supposed he wasn't exactly revolting.

"He looks okay, but he needs a shower or something."

"No way, that's the whole point. He's like, effortless. Total bad boy."

Jess and Lauren started giggling then, no longer paying attention to Isabella, which she was grateful for. _Bad boy. Why would anyone want to date a bad anything?_

"Hey" said Angela, slipping into the space next to her. She glanced at Jess an Lauren and smiled in this knowing way.

"What?"

"Nothing. I think they're cute." _'Cute' is not the word I would use._

"According to Jess he's good looking because he's unhygienic and a bad person" Isabella snickered.

"Are you _sure_ those were the exact words she used?" At that, they also started giggling. Was it something to do with the air that day? Maybe these kids brought some of the pollution over from New York with them, making everyone dopey.

While the girls giggled, the guys who usually sat at the table arrived.

"Hey ladies" Tyler greeted them. Mike just nodded at no-one in particular, and Eric mumbled a 'hello'.

"So, the new kids seem interesting" Mike said, at which Jessica's head whipped up.

"Really? Do you think the girl's interesting as well?" Jess and Mike had this on again off again deal going on, with lots of PDA for the former and lots of annoying jealousy for the latter. What anyone could see in Mike, Isabella had no idea. He was dreadfully unimaginative. Then again, so was Jessica.

"Duh. Hence my use of the plural." Jess huffed in annoyance, then promptly started telling Lauren just how hot she found Mr. My Sex Appeal Is Grime in a loud enough voice for Mike to hear. Which meant everyone else at the table had to hear it as well. Isabella took that as her cue to leave and headed straight for Biology. It was a class she liked, if for no other reason than that she didn't have a partner. She preferred to work alone.

_You know how there's this saying 'Nothing lasts forever'? Yeah._

So it turned out that Mr. I'm Too Cool For Clothes Without Holes was actually called Edward Cullen, and he was assigned as Isabella's lab partner, because he came from an AP class (which Forks didn't offer) and she was top of the class. For a moment she worried he really didn't shower, but that wasn't the case and that wasn't a very nice thought anyway. She stored it away for when she'd be doing confession. They exchanged quiet greetings and Isabella introduced herself, as was polite, but they didn't interact further than that. Up close he did look somewhat nice, attractive even. Still disheveled though. Mostly, he had nice eyes, very green. _Like Forks._

After school Isabella was heading for her truck, which she would then take to The Lodge to have early dinner with her father, like they did every Monday. She was busy on all other days, with debate club meetings on Tuesday, math club on Thursday and now the Children's Center on Wednesday and Friday. She was opening the door of the car when she heard a _very_ loud, _very _rude exclamation coming from the car opposite hers. _Of course. New York and the Black sheep._ Emmett's 'fuck yeah' was still bouncing around in her head when she sat down in her and her father's usual booth. He was already there, which was unfortunate. Isabella felt like he could see inside her head and condemn her on the spot for those words. _It's not my fault he's an insensitive buffoon Dad! Sorry!_

While they were discussing nothing in particular Isabella's mind wandered. Emmett used to be such a nice guy, before Rosalie. There were rumors going around that he was considering a life devoted to serving God when he was old enough. Then Junior year everything changed. He started to skip church, then he started swearing loudly not caring who heard him, his grades slipped, until finally he and Rosalie made their relationship public. That seemed to shift the public's perception of him as the one to blame to Rosalie. Isabella wasn't so sure. He was still to blame at least for his reckless attraction to a known... _that sort of girl. _Then things seemed to get a little better. He brought Rosalie to church a few times, even youth mixers and even though he wasn't the perfect Emmett he used to be Rosalie wasn't as bad as she used to be either. People were starting to get hopeful: maybe this would turn out to be a story about going wayward then finding redemption. It didn't. It was never clear how it got out, the point is that it did, but Emmett...

"Isabella, are you paying attention at all?" Her father looked at her sternly and she nodded.

"Yes sir, sorry sir."

"I was asking how the truck was working out?"

"It's great, thank you again." He seemed pleased at that, or perhaps his good mood was due to the tastiness of the stake he was eating.

"I'm glad. It's a good model, if a little old, but it's fixed up nicely. You know Billy's son, Jacob?"

Isabella nodded. Billy used to be the town mechanic, until his accident. They lived down at the reservation, La Push. Truthfully, she didn't know much about Jacob, just that he was trouble. Most kids from there were.

"Turns out, he's looking to take over his old man's business some day. He fixed your truck, with Billy's supervision of course."

"Wow" said Isabella, a little unnerved from that revelation. _Jake hangs out with Emmett._

During the next two days the school was still buzzing from its 'new kid high'. Alice, or Ms. Fancy, became less and less fancy with every coming day, but she still had much nicer clothes than anyone. Edward on the other hand didn't change his clothing habits at all. Isabella would have felt bad about mentally dissing his appearance if she could reasonably believe that he just couldn't afford anything better. Looking at Alice, this clearly wasn't the case.

Apart from mimicking a homeless person Edward was all right. Polite and respectful, at least during class. They talked a little on Wednesday because they had to work together and it would have been rude and uncomfortable to stay silent. They had to correctly identify cell phases so they had to pass the microscope back and forth and Edward looked even more bored than usual, so Isabella had to speak.

"So... what do you like it here?"

He raised his eyes at her for a moment then he was back to gazing out the window. He shrugged. _Maybe not so polite after all._

"I mean, it's certainly not New York, but..."

"So you've been?"

"Been what?"

"To New York" Edward said with a little condescension coating his words. _Definitely not._

"Uhm, no, but it isn't exactly a wild guess. Forks has three thousand inhabitants, while there are what, twenty million people in New York."

"Yeah" Edward said with a sigh. He stretched his legs under the table and ruffled his hair with his left hand, then ran it over his face roughly, like he was very tired.

After that they didn't talk at all, except what was necessary for the assignment.

If this was what bad boys were like, Isabella could now be sure she wanted nothing to do with them.

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><p>Feedback is never expected and always appreciated.<p> 


	3. Patefacio

**I make no money with this story, nor am I planning to.**

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><p><span>Patefacio<span>

Isabella was halfway to Port Angeles when she first thought that it would've been nice if her car had a radio. She knew her father didn't buy one for a reason: he wouldn't have been able to control what his daughter was listening to when he wasn't there. That's why they only had records, tapes and CD-s at the house. It would also have been frivolous. The car was a necessity, music was not. Out of boredom she starting humming, and by the time she'd reached the Children's Center she was singing little songs she'd made up on the spot. They hardly rhymed at all and her singing was off key, but she didn't care.

The Children's Center was in a worn down, ugly and very gray concrete building. It looked quite small from the outside and just generally very sad. There were no trees in the parking lot and Isabella was reminded of the vague notion of 'the ghetto' she had in her head. This feeling only grew stronger when she saw that above the entrance the words 'Port Angeles Children's Center' were actually painted in that graffiti sort of way. She shuddered and pulled her coat a little lighter around herself before entering.

It was a whole other story inside. The reception area looked warm and friendly and Isabella was instantly reassured.

_Dad wouldn't send me to the ghetto._

She was directed to an office at the end of one of two hallways in the building. She knocked three times.

"Come in."

It looked like a normal office, except for all the kid drawings that covered every surface on the walls. The woman sitting behind the desk looked up from whatever she was doing and smiled at Isabella.

"Hi, you must be Bella Swan. I'm Irina."

"Yes, hello."

"So Bella, your Dad tells me you're interested in becoming a teacher."

Isabella didn't know what to say. Was she? Maybe. She was more concerned with how this woman was taking such liberties with her name. Angela called her Bella sometimes, but she had earned the right for such familiarity through countless years of friendship. How had this woman even come up with that? Her father certainly never would have introduced her as such. She knew she had been silent for too long and had to answer, so she momentarily put a stop to the righteous tirade that was going on in her head.

"I'm considering it. I'm not sure really."

"That's great" Irina said, her smile never faltering. If not for her careless attitude about names Isabella would have considered her appropriately polite. "You know, we're just happy when people want to help and if we can help them figure some things out in the process, even better."

"I'm happy to help." Irina chuckled, then handed a folder to Isabella.

"How much do you know about how we work, what we do, the usual drill?"

"Not much. Just what my father told me. You help kids with rough backgrounds, right?"

"Something like that. There's a lot of information in that folder, you can read it when you get home, but today I just want to show you around, introduce you to everyone. Is that cool?"

"Sure" Isabella said while standing up.

Irina led her down the hallway back to the reception area and on the way told her who all the other rooms belong to. Irina was the boss or something; then came the vice-president, Kate; then there was a publicist called Tanya and two educators (something like Elazar? and Carmen) and two child psychologists, one named Garrett and the other Ted. Basically, they were the only paid staff. Even the receptionist was a volunteer. There was also a break room with couches and a TV, some books, two computers and a kitchen area. Irina introduced her to Anne, the receptionist for the day then finally showed Isabella where 'the real action was'. The other hallway was a lot wider and only had three rooms open from it. One was solely for games and dolls and that sort of kid stuff, while the other two seemed more like classrooms. Finally, there was a small backyard with real trees and swings and everything. The kids were currently all gathered there for playtime. Irina said that when the weather permitted it they always played outside.

"We usually have four to six volunteers and about twenty kids on weekdays, so the kids are well looked after and the volunteers aren't overwhelmed. The receptionist thing is kind of the short end of the stick, but it's always a different person there, so you all suffer equally." Irina laughed at her own joke, then continued. "That girl over there by the monkey bars is Rachel, the guy with the crying kid is Noah, the chick pushing that swing is Sarah and... wait, where's Rose?" Irina looked around in confusion for a second the resumed her monologue.

"Anyway, so there are some kids who come regularly, though they don't all come on the same days. It's easier with them. I mean Garrett or Ted always check a kid out, the first three times they're here that's what happens actually, but we can't turn anyone away unless they're a danger to themselves or others. So we have some difficult kids with real big problems, or you know, small and annoying ones" she stopped to laugh a little again and presumably to breathe "but over all they are awesome. Even the ones that sometimes make you want to scratch your eyes out."

Isabella nodded in understanding, even though she was a little overwhelmed. Irina motioned for them to a sit on a wooden bench with a table attached to it and Isabella complied. Irina was squinting at her, because the setting sun was just at the right angle to be completely annoying.

"You have any questions?"

"What are the kids' backgrounds like? Like, why do they need to come here and why do they have those problems?"

Irina opened her mouth to speak, but then didn't. She was looking somewhere behind Isabella, her smile widening. A second later someone sat down beside Isabella and greeted Irina. Isabella turned to look at her, but the other girl beat her to it by a second.

"What the fuck?"

It was Rosalie Hale. Rosalie - _that sort of girl, ruiner of one Emmett McCarty - _Hale volunteered at a Children's Center. Rosalie's face was frozen in a sneer, Irina couldn't decide whether to be amused or alarmed and Isabella was... blank.

"I could ask you the same thing" she finally said when she recovered.

"What's going on?" Irina asked.

Rosalie and Isabella looked at each other again, trying to decide what to say. In the end, Isabella's politeness won over her incredulousness.

"We go to the same school. I guess I just didn't expect to see Rosalie here. And I guess she didn't expect to see me."

"Actually, Rose is one of our most devoted volunteers

" Irina informed her. "We're really luck to have her, partly because she's totally awesome, but mostly because she really loves the kids."

Irina stopped talking, taking note of Rose's tight lipped smile. She raised a questioning brow at her, but Rose just shook her head and stood up.

"I'm gonna go check up on Pete."

About two hours later Isabella's head was way too full of new names, notwithstanding her own, as thanks to Irina everyone just called her Bella here. She knew she should've clarified that she preferred Isabella, but once Rose (_not _Rosalie) showed up, she could hardly speak, let alone worry about a name.

The most confusing thing of all was that Rose seemed, well, sweet. Apart from the initial cursing, of course. On her way to her truck she noticed Rose leaning against the building. She was smoking. _Perhaps not so sweet after all._

When she walked past her Rose called out after her.

"Hey Bella!" She turned back, a little wary of what was coming next. "I'd really appreciate it if you could not mention that I do this at school." Oh.

"Oh." Isabella furrowed her brows and scratched her head. _Great, now I've become the cliche of confused._

"Thanks."

"No problem."

On her way home Isabella didn't sing happy little tunes. She had a headache and that feeling of panic was welling up in her again. She pulled over to calm down, because she was in no state to drive. She didn't understand what was going on. Rosalie Hale couldn't be a good person. Yet, had she not seen proof that she was, in fact, if not a completely good person, than at the very least a decent one?

That night she had trouble falling asleep and the next morning greeted her far too soon. When she looked in the mirror she wasn't sure who was looking back at her, but it certainly couldn't be her. This looked like a completely different Isabella Swan. One with doubts and questions and gray areas and very tired looking eyes.

That day when she looked at Edward she saw more of herself reflected in his eyes than the eye of that stranger in the mirror.

By Friday afternoon Isabella had it all figured out again. She would be polite to Rosalie and everyone else at the center, then she would go home. Why would she need to figure out Rosalie Hale? She was probably crazy from all those drugs she was always on. Not that Isabella had any proof that Rose was a junkie, but there were rumors. It wouldn't exactly be a surprising development considering what else she'd done. So for the first time since the beginning of the summer Isabella felt truly content. That feeling didn't waver when she parked her truck in front of the sad little building. It didn't waver when she saw how easily Rosalie dealt with these kids, how seamlessly she fit into the role of caregiver. It didn't waver when a kid called Anna peed herself and she had to clean it up. The problem was, she had to clean herself as well after that, which meant a bathroom, which meant mirrors. And when she chanced a glance at herself she felt oddly naked, like the flickering, too bright fluorescent light highlighted all her imperfections, saw into her soul and told her how it was all a lie, all through her own two dull, brown eyes. She thought maybe it was God speaking to her, but it just as well could have been Satan. All she knew was that _it had all been a lie._ _It is all a lie. _What exactly that meant she did not know. What had been a lie? Her calmness that day, certainly. That she used to know exactly what she wanted, how the world worked? She had thought she did. Maybe that was the lie. That the world wasn't perfect, divided into good and bad, pretty and ugly. _But I know that. I'm not an idiot. I've read Dante and Byron and Shakespeare and Cosmo and God knows what else! Shades of gray, all that jazz. _Isabella would have stayed like that, desolately staring at her own reflection, had Rosalie _mucking _Hale not entered the bathroom right that moment. They awkwardly maneuvered around each other to let the other one pass. They did that whole dance thing, where one steps left expecting the other to the same, then they switch and switch and...

"Jesus Christ Almighty just stand in that corner and let me pass already!" They stood, staring at each other, frozen for what seemed like minutes, her own words echoing through Isabella's head now. _Can't pin this on anyone else, can you?_

That night when she was leaving and saw Rose leaning against the wall and smoking in the same spot as the other night, Isabella waved at her, unsure. Rose raised her hand that was holding the cigarette then let it sort of hang there.

* * *

><p>Feedback is never expected and always appreciated.<p> 


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